Monday, August 30, 2010

Chimmi Yangzom still lives on...

I had given up the day I lost Chimmi Yangzom. My niece smiled in silence, talked to herself and today only the embers of her smile shadows over me. Since a week then i started to think that if god takes away from you, he wont be that selfish 'not enough to grant you a wish'. My eldest sis-in law was expecting a child that month when Chimmi breathed out her last. Though Kinaly's (2nd eldest bro) Chimmi is now no more but exactly a week later I saw my self in the same ICU room where i held Chimmi out cold but this time at the struck of midnight, Kinxa's (sis-in law) labor pain was too much and in hours a new life breathed out. I was full of awe and believed that justice has been given to Chimmi. I am so happy that she is back again and that too in the form of Kaka's (eldest bro) daughter. The tragic loss of Chimmi is terrible but the new life awaiting to say 'hi uncle' runs deep into my viens and smiles are all over again. It is the best part of the story. I am rejuvinated now and my promises to Chimmi is going to be fulfilled by this little being so beautiful and full of grace. I beg to god, I beg him 1000....times to give her life, give her charm, give her beauty and give her everything in life and I promise that I will do all the good things in life just for her sake. You took what Chimmi did not wish for and now do not take my happiness away.
This time, I will unwrap the birthday box that waited for Chimmi. My new girl will once again go for the slide in the park, swing around, hear my fairy tales and ride on my back. Her innocent little brother doesnt allow anyone to come around and even to him I envy a lot as she is Chimmi that breathed cold in my laps and had come back for me again. I am so happy, Chimmi came, so fast that she did not even hav a time for us but now as fast as she went by, she came back again. This time....Thank you tandin wangmo (the new born, i assume her to be my chmmi), you are back to relive and rewrite a beautiful story with me.....


(a continuation to "chimmi yangzom why did u leave me alone"....from the journal i maintain everyday. So happy that I have got another neice and she is the replica of what i lost)

Monday, August 9, 2010

why did you leave me chimmi yangzom?

She came by, kissed my gentle heart and filled all the places around me with bliss but left as fast as she came by leaving me in a sheer distress. The day she saw this world, I was the happiest man in this world. I never asked god to give her the wealth of the world nor did I beg to bestow her with all the happiness of life and yet god took away the very little thing of the poor girl. All she had was a little breathe which she dearly held on and with every minute god took them bit by bit. She was begging, her pale face gathered the last bit of energy and cried thousand times but every time she begged, the more god took her away. She was so cute, so gracious and so tender that even the hell could have sobbed for her but to god, she seemed like a piece of flesh in front of a pack of hungry wolves. She lit up everything around me and I have been so happy since that very day I got her. I feared keeping her in my laps and holding her for the reason that I may not be separable form her. So close I was to her that every smile made me in love with the loveliest of all things and every cry of pain rushes through my veins that tears of blood oozes out from me. I have made so much of promises to her. The gift box keeps waiting for her first birthday and will wait forever. The slide in the park, I have promised to take her now is a nightmare area which once I longed to take her so much. Though my promises has seen the light of the day, she never lived up a day to see my promises fulfill. Today in the embers of her sinister smile, I cry, I curse and hate myself a lot why I fell in love with her so much. Had that not happened I would have not been in so much trauma as I am going through just now. That serene morning, her calm quiet face lie on the ICU bed. A peek through the door glass and I slowly saw my dear taking the last smile at me. She was an angel and was going back to her home. I cried, I begged, I protested but who was to listen to me, even my dear did not think what will happen to me if she was to leave me and I had to accept the cruel truth of life. By the time I realized myself, she was out cold in my laps.
My dear I would have been a clown for you, made myself a horse and taken you for a ride on my back as an elephant but chimmi yangzom, my dearest niece why did come to this world just for 93 days?

Friday, May 28, 2010

It was never meant to end this way

Kinlay wanted to give his father a big surprise. He had just returned from Nova Scotia completing his MA in journalism. His first task upon arriving was to document a film based on the poverty and this was a perfect metaphor for what was going in his mind. Showing up himself on the screen and present it to his father to prove himself as a worthful son. He was bit confused whether he should do this or first meet his father as he did not have any contact since he left his father for studies but amidst such uncanny confusion, he remembered what he wanted to give to his father and opted to do the documentation. So Kinlay set out onto his journey into streets to look out for a particular man who could catch his attention. He was just strolling around the park when something so serene caught his eye. At the edge of the park, under the summer willow stood an old man.
He was in a shabby dress, his weather beaten face has gone gray as if it has tested the times of cold winter and his hair stood like that of a hermit who went into retreat for years. ‘Om mani padme hum’....the man kept on repeating the mantras turning the beads of the rosary in his hand without any heed of what was happening around him. He stood there as if frozen in time. Kinlay felt awkward to disturb the man but with much hesitation he asked the man if he could give him company for time being. The old man surprised, welcomed him which surprised Kinlay more as the old man´s gesture was a large dose of humility to him. Kinlay started to sit down beside the man and then introduced himself being a journalist. Slowly the conversation meandered from a simple introduction to a deep talk. Kinlay just listened to the man as the old man the man went on to tell his book of tales...
It all started when his mother expired the moment she gave birth to him. Since then, I was his mother and his father. Unlike other children, he did not have the love of a mother but despite this I did not let him feel any absence of mother. I gave him the world of love and care. It was only the beginning of my troubles when he reached the age of five that I had to admit him to school. As a farmer earning was so little that I had to sell my 2 langdos of land and live up to educate him. With so much of troubles I let him complete his certificate and tertiary education. He qualified for university education and there I had to sell my ancestral dzee, the only possession that survived for generations. Three harsh years of toiling in the sun and rain, I finally made him complete his graduation. He did his Civil service examinations and was posted in a good job in the capital. Since then everything seems to get back to square one and the serene silhouette started to take shape. He would take good care of me, feed me in time and did everything that could make me happy. My dream came true but because of something it slowly started to become gray. Soon he brought home a home minister. She had the pretty face I ever saw but she should have possessed a heart which was as beautiful as her face. She was good to me at first but as the time passed she often betrayed the love and piety that bound me and my son. She would treat me cruel and sometimes my meals were avoided. My son was all innocent about this as most of the time he would be away from home. I was sinking deep down into dark chasms and more worse, one day my son came with news that he had been selected abroad to study for 5 years. His words sent my heartbeat galloping and there was nothing I could do but to succumb to the fate of my life. He left soon and this was the start of dark era of my life. His wife always shouted at me, made me do all the house hold chores and soon I was pushed off the house. That´s why I live here finding so much of solace but I wish I could see my son once. I had a dream last night that my son was there holding me in his arms for the last time.
Today l live in the ember of my happiness. I am Rinzin and I don’t know where my Kinlay is. At this Kinlay´s heart grew cold, tears ran down his cheeks and the next moment, world came crashing down on him. So as he spoke his last words, Kinlay’s father closed his eyes never to open again.
Kinlay´s gift was never meant to end this way.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Not for a second time

Years have washed down the diary pages and every bit of word I have scribbled has left unforgettable scars onto me. I have got no wishes to see her nor do I want to hear about her. The folly I messed up with her are the regrets I have to suffer now but how interesting life is, that it want to play with those struggling in love. How easy was it for her to get toyed with my feelings, now four years and still regaining from the trauma, I want to get rid from the bond once I tied with her. All isn’t well that ends well. The end part gave me the greatest upset of all and it is for all that I want my self to drop deep down into the abyss of freedom from the pinnacle of the sorrows I am living with. For every bit of pain she gave me I am measuring it in bitter chapters. I was happy after she left me and lost the dreams of her but today surprise struck all over to me when I was least expecting. The girl I don’t want to see in my life came as if she was once again to leave me shattered. She was as charming as before and I could not resist the attention she is gaining. So giving up the present memories for a moment, I went down memory lane thinking how I managed to get through those cruel days……..

It all started a couple of years back when I was at the secondary level. Somehow the school bullies taking the advantage of my physical outlook send me to class I was not meant for. I got there and my first acquaintance took place with her. A great beauty of indescribable words, that she illuminated the whole class. As she stepped in, slim and with caramel lips I saw these two things in her first. Next, as she shook her long blonde hair, came out a shy pair of crimson dimples and a fair white face shining brightly in the faint light lit in the class. The green dress set a contrast to her flawless skin. She took her steps and the wonderful aroma from her body wafted through all the corners. For a moment I was dumbstruck and got lost into the world of no where. Slowly I returned to my conscious state and found the girl disappeared, only to the surprise of me she was sited beside me. So much glad I felt but kept silence as she spoke her first words to me. “Seems new, hi m Lhasyel and you?” she questioned me. Words stuck at my throat and refused to come out as I lay gazing at her. `Lhasyel ` could only come out from my mouth. Ya Lhasyel and you. Once again she asked me. `Jimmie` I gave my answer back. So be it Jim. She gladly kept a short name for me. That was a brief but so brief that it was a slice of heaven for me. From there onwards we became fast friends though I later came out to know that I was not in her class. A heart break time but she never let me down. She would meet with me during intervals, lunch breaks and after schools hours. Together we spent a good time sharing our everlasting happiness. There was so much of joy that I did not care of my health and often fell sick. At the back of my smile, she always remained a duck diamond. An elixir of my life that I need no cure for the sickness I am falling. I had everything and was happy with her. She too was always full of smiles and care for me. Times rolled into days and months, still I did not know how it all went about. A month seemed to pass like the day before, while a day away from her was like years. Goodness me slowly I was falling in love. I knew it was bad but no way I was falling and it was deep. By then a barren part of my life came out where I did not know whether I should tell her or not. So in the midst of love I was left totally restless. My appetite went down and day by day I became pale and paler. She would inquire me and was always by my bedside whenever I fell sick. Her presence around only made me madder. So one fine Sunday I called her at our favorite spot. There I told my words. “What?” she struck me. “I love you” Lhasyel. With an unease came out from my mouth. She stood there staring at me after hearing what I said.

A few killing seconds and she gave me the answer. “Isn’t that happening too fast?” . Her answer came the way I never meant. “Thank you Jim. I was waiting for this moment only. Finally you spoke what I feared. You see, I knew this will happen but I have lots of promises to fulfill. I think it is too early for us. You have been the most wonderful person I ever met but promises are for keep so I think I can’t compromise it in any way. Forgive me.” All hell broke loose unto me as her words poured down in my sunken heart. I was to face the worst of all, without any words I left, puzzled why she is denying me when she had shown lots of interest and looked very convincing. This question has always hung around me as an unsolvable tag. From there on, a feeling of dislike sprouted for her. The year sailed and later I changed my school. No contact took place for years since then.

No matter what had happened to me it was all over and today nearing my completion of the college days I was on a vacation. By then the winter has crept by and it was spring time. Warm days with the nature in its true color greeted the entire place and the nostalgia of being alone made me remember my days back. My vacations slowly came to an end with few days left. One drizzling evening while on my usual walk, I noticed a familiar face. I tried to run away but ‘Jim’ someone shouted in a frail voice. I looked back and it was her, I could not run away while she caught with me. “Same as before, what happened to you. It had been years and I tried many times but to no avail. Your friends also denied giving me your address. Why, why did you do such thing? Neways I am so happy today, I have lots to tell you”. She left no chance for me to speak and kept on telling me about the days she missed me. Inside me I was burning looking at the slyness of her. I already promised myself never to look at her but how can I also be that bad when someone approaches with lots of smiles and happiness on their face. I stayed calm and just kept listening on. She was non stop and it was after few minutes she looked straight at me. I was amazed why she was staring at me like this and as I was about to say good bye, she uttered the words once I longed for so much in her altruistic rhythm. With a smile I answered her “Lhasyel today I feel your words are miraculous. I think this is joke” so thinking it as one of the usual pranks she used to play upon me long time back, I just let it go but this time it wasn’t what I thought. She was real and before I could complete my answer she pressed upon me a lot. “Jim, you think my words don’t mean anything. I know you have waited for me the every bit of time from the last time we saw each other and it is true that now I have realized how much you have been true to me. I love you Jim, I really do”

A rush of adrenaline went through my spines at her response. Taking a deep breathe and with anticipation I replied “I am so happy and glad that you realized how much I loved you and the pain of being in love but……………” but what…, a quick and an acerbic look showed upon me. “But, but I am …………. Before I could complete, my cell rang to interrupt our conversation. “Please excuse me” and so I received the call and I answered the one at the other end “you are on the way! Ok I am here”. So ending the call I turned to anxious Lhasyel and said “but I am…………. A honk came out from a car. “Hey Jim, com’on I gotta meet you with my parents, it’s getting late”. “Oh you are here, how fast. Just a second”. Finally I answered “but I am afraid that this time I may not be able to get along with you. You see I got to meet with Yewong’s parents. Our engagement is not far. So forgive me if you can”. I bid her successful life as I went pass, leaving her in the drizzle of spring shower thinking to my self that had her words been at the time I wished so much I would have been in the seventh heaven and my joy would have knew no bounds.

Today it was by strange that she came across me. I felt sorry for the cruelty of fate and with tears full I consoled myself, `not for a second time, Jim!