Years have washed down the diary pages and every bit of word I have scribbled has left unforgettable scars onto me. I have got no wishes to see her nor do I want to hear about her. The folly I messed up with her are the regrets I have to suffer now but how interesting life is, that it want to play with those struggling in love. How easy was it for her to get toyed with my feelings, now four years and still regaining from the trauma, I want to get rid from the bond once I tied with her. All isn’t well that ends well. The end part gave me the greatest upset of all and it is for all that I want my self to drop deep down into the abyss of freedom from the pinnacle of the sorrows I am living with. For every bit of pain she gave me I am measuring it in bitter chapters. I was happy after she left me and lost the dreams of her but today surprise struck all over to me when I was least expecting. The girl I don’t want to see in my life came as if she was once again to leave me shattered. She was as charming as before and I could not resist the attention she is gaining. So giving up the present memories for a moment, I went down memory lane thinking how I managed to get through those cruel days……..
It all started a couple of years back when I was at the secondary level. Somehow the school bullies taking the advantage of my physical outlook send me to class I was not meant for. I got there and my first acquaintance took place with her. A great beauty of indescribable words, that she illuminated the whole class. As she stepped in, slim and with caramel lips I saw these two things in her first. Next, as she shook her long blonde hair, came out a shy pair of crimson dimples and a fair white face shining brightly in the faint light lit in the class. The green dress set a contrast to her flawless skin. She took her steps and the wonderful aroma from her body wafted through all the corners. For a moment I was dumbstruck and got lost into the world of no where. Slowly I returned to my conscious state and found the girl disappeared, only to the surprise of me she was sited beside me. So much glad I felt but kept silence as she spoke her first words to me. “Seems new, hi m Lhasyel and you?” she questioned me. Words stuck at my throat and refused to come out as I lay gazing at her. `Lhasyel ` could only come out from my mouth. Ya Lhasyel and you. Once again she asked me. `Jimmie` I gave my answer back. So be it Jim. She gladly kept a short name for me. That was a brief but so brief that it was a slice of heaven for me. From there onwards we became fast friends though I later came out to know that I was not in her class. A heart break time but she never let me down. She would meet with me during intervals, lunch breaks and after schools hours. Together we spent a good time sharing our everlasting happiness. There was so much of joy that I did not care of my health and often fell sick. At the back of my smile, she always remained a duck diamond. An elixir of my life that I need no cure for the sickness I am falling. I had everything and was happy with her. She too was always full of smiles and care for me. Times rolled into days and months, still I did not know how it all went about. A month seemed to pass like the day before, while a day away from her was like years. Goodness me slowly I was falling in love. I knew it was bad but no way I was falling and it was deep. By then a barren part of my life came out where I did not know whether I should tell her or not. So in the midst of love I was left totally restless. My appetite went down and day by day I became pale and paler. She would inquire me and was always by my bedside whenever I fell sick. Her presence around only made me madder. So one fine Sunday I called her at our favorite spot. There I told my words. “What?” she struck me. “I love you” Lhasyel. With an unease came out from my mouth. She stood there staring at me after hearing what I said.
A few killing seconds and she gave me the answer. “Isn’t that happening too fast?” . Her answer came the way I never meant. “Thank you Jim. I was waiting for this moment only. Finally you spoke what I feared. You see, I knew this will happen but I have lots of promises to fulfill. I think it is too early for us. You have been the most wonderful person I ever met but promises are for keep so I think I can’t compromise it in any way. Forgive me.” All hell broke loose unto me as her words poured down in my sunken heart. I was to face the worst of all, without any words I left, puzzled why she is denying me when she had shown lots of interest and looked very convincing. This question has always hung around me as an unsolvable tag. From there on, a feeling of dislike sprouted for her. The year sailed and later I changed my school. No contact took place for years since then.
No matter what had happened to me it was all over and today nearing my completion of the college days I was on a vacation. By then the winter has crept by and it was spring time. Warm days with the nature in its true color greeted the entire place and the nostalgia of being alone made me remember my days back. My vacations slowly came to an end with few days left. One drizzling evening while on my usual walk, I noticed a familiar face. I tried to run away but ‘Jim’ someone shouted in a frail voice. I looked back and it was her, I could not run away while she caught with me. “Same as before, what happened to you. It had been years and I tried many times but to no avail. Your friends also denied giving me your address. Why, why did you do such thing? Neways I am so happy today, I have lots to tell you”. She left no chance for me to speak and kept on telling me about the days she missed me. Inside me I was burning looking at the slyness of her. I already promised myself never to look at her but how can I also be that bad when someone approaches with lots of smiles and happiness on their face. I stayed calm and just kept listening on. She was non stop and it was after few minutes she looked straight at me. I was amazed why she was staring at me like this and as I was about to say good bye, she uttered the words once I longed for so much in her altruistic rhythm. With a smile I answered her “Lhasyel today I feel your words are miraculous. I think this is joke” so thinking it as one of the usual pranks she used to play upon me long time back, I just let it go but this time it wasn’t what I thought. She was real and before I could complete my answer she pressed upon me a lot. “Jim, you think my words don’t mean anything. I know you have waited for me the every bit of time from the last time we saw each other and it is true that now I have realized how much you have been true to me. I love you Jim, I really do”
A rush of adrenaline went through my spines at her response. Taking a deep breathe and with anticipation I replied “I am so happy and glad that you realized how much I loved you and the pain of being in love but……………” but what…, a quick and an acerbic look showed upon me. “But, but I am …………. Before I could complete, my cell rang to interrupt our conversation. “Please excuse me” and so I received the call and I answered the one at the other end “you are on the way! Ok I am here”. So ending the call I turned to anxious Lhasyel and said “but I am…………. A honk came out from a car. “Hey Jim, com’on I gotta meet you with my parents, it’s getting late”. “Oh you are here, how fast. Just a second”. Finally I answered “but I am afraid that this time I may not be able to get along with you. You see I got to meet with Yewong’s parents. Our engagement is not far. So forgive me if you can”. I bid her successful life as I went pass, leaving her in the drizzle of spring shower thinking to my self that had her words been at the time I wished so much I would have been in the seventh heaven and my joy would have knew no bounds.
Today it was by strange that she came across me. I felt sorry for the cruelty of fate and with tears full I consoled myself, `not for a second time, Jim!
